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If we’re honest, we all know that one thing that if we were to do it we could start to build things differently in our lives.

Whether it’s that you would go across the room and talk to a stranger or that you could make that sales call, or speak to that person at that networking event, or attend networking events.

A lot of us have uncomfortable feelings around those situations but we know that if we could master those situations, if we could think about how great our lives would be:

Then list out all the positive things about how great our lives would be if we were to do that one thing.

Then list out all the negative things if we were never able to do it, what it would mean to our lives.

Examples

For instance, on the positive list, list all the great things, let’s say my problem was I didn’t want to go and approach strangers at a networking event.

Now, I could list out all the positives to going and talking to strangers at a networking event and what that could possibly mean to my life:

I could grow a bigger business

I’d be able to give the family a more secure future

I’d be able to do things for the children, take them on holiday

Put them in the School I want…

Buy a sports car

I’d be able to go round the World

I’d be able to go on fantastic holidays

Whatever it is, list all the positives that would exist in your life if you could do that one thing, if you got over that one thing.

Then list the negatives to your life if you never get over that one thing for example:

I’d never feel I’d reached my true potential in life

I won’t be able to give the kids the best I could possibly give them.

Emotional Blackmail on yourself

You see if you can come up with enough emotional blackmail on yourself, either the negatives of not doing it or the positives of doing it, and if you can come up with what you need that becomes more important than that feeling of going across the room and talking to somebody, if you can put more worth on what that would mean to your life and got over the “failure”, which is really the potential of an unplanned outcome, then you will cross that line, and you will expand your Comfort Zone.

It’s not about getting outside your Comfort Zone, it’s about expanding your Comfort Zone, taking those steps to expand your Comfort Zone and make it bigger.

So, get that emotional blackmail listed out and if you sit down, spend a few minutes reading the list of all the positive things if you actually did this, see how that makes you feel, does that inspire you?

If not, find some others, take a ten minute break, then make a list of all the negatives things that would happen in your life if you never mastered this, if you never did this such as:

I won’t realise my full potential

I won’t be able to do the best for my family

All those sorts of things list those down; read that list, does that inspire you more?

Then…

If one of the lists inspires you more than the other then throw the one that doesn’t inspire you as much away and focus on the one that really inspires you.

Think about that list that inspires you, think about it, and when you think about that and you’re motivated towards that, imagine yourself going across that room and speaking to that person, or whatever your one thing is and imagine that you are doing it with enthusiasm.

We have to imagine things in our minds whether we realise it or not before we do them.

It has to exist in the mind before it exists in your reality.

If you show your mind nervousness and hesitation, it won’t want to take your body there.

So, see these things going as best as they could.

Do the above exercise every day as often as you can think about that one thing whatever it is for you that would move you to the next level.

See yourself doing it with enthusiasm and expectation of a good outcome.

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One of our biggest ongoing challenges is to keep feeling that Comfort Zone and continue to push it outwards and be ever expanding.

Here is something to try, even if you’ve experienced this before try it again now:

-Fold your arms.

-Look down very carefully noticing how you have done it, what hand goes where?
-Is the left hand on top or bottom, where is the right hand?

Now, fold your arms the opposite way, be very careful that you have actually done it the complete opposite way, it’s all too easy to spin the arms a few times and fall back into the usual old way – the comfortable way.

If you have done this totally opposite to how you normally do it then more than likely it feels really awkward, and does not feel right at all. The reason is you are not familiar with this pattern of folding your arms, if you did this for a few days it would feel comfortable and natural, but because it is not something you usually do, it feels awkward until your brain detects the pattern and you get use to it.

Once we get use to things they become natural to us and don’t have that awkward feeling about them. This “awkward” feeling is a signal to “be aware” that this is something different, something we are not use to. It does not have to be a signal to “beware” and retreat

You see the most basic activities in life have patterns we become familiar with and even simple things in an unfamiliar way generate an awkward feeling.

Here is another one, when getting dressed next, put the other foot to the usual one in your trousers or underwear first, you will probably fall over! You see we are all over the place when something is not natural to us, when we are not an expert at something, even something simple. Does that mean you can never do it? Of course not. It means by paying attention, and practise you can develop a new pattern that those areas of life that were once uncomfortable can become natural. After all how does an expert become an expert – by doing something lots of times and continual improvement, doing more of what works and less of what does not work. You don’t need to have a lot of limiting beliefs to hold you back, quite simply not being use to doing something can cause emotional feedback, it’s feedback not a stop sign! So relax, pay attention and push forward!

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Just because you feel uncomfortable in a situation or feel fear, it doesn’t mean you have to pull back from taking the action.

Typically in these situations it is described as being “outside our comfort zone”

Too often people feel the fear feeling and see it as a reason to stop. They see it as a red light. They assume because they have a fear they “can’t” do whatever it is that is generating that fear.

Talking to people we don’t know falls well and truly into this arena where feeling uncomfortable or fear makes most people say “I can’t do it”

For instance lets take a different fear to the extreme, the fear of flying. Let’s say someone’s got a fear of flying and they say with no doubt whatsoever they can’t get on a plane. Yet if someone puts a gun to their head, they’ll get on that plane! It’s so often not that we “can’t” do things; it’s that we “won’t” do them because of the fear feeling or the imagined consequences of what might go wrong.

It’s amber not red!

So, take this “fear signal” that comes up when you are outside your comfort zone, about to talk to someone, as a signal to “be aware” and not “beware”, that’s what it’s all about, the amber light. Realize that fear is an amber light not a red light. It is making you aware this is something new for you or something you not good at yet. It is natural to feel unsure but not a reason to stop.

Once you are able to hold at the amber light and consider situations, you can then decide if you go to red and stop, or green and proceed.

Often, when you proceed, you still can feel some of that “fear” and carry on regardless.

Be like a Rugby Star

Take for instance Jonny Wilkinson, the English rugby player; he’s done a number of these big kicks at the end of the game, where the last kick of the game determines whether England wins or loses the World Cup. No pressure there then.

A radio interviewer asked him, “Jonny, do you ever get scared before you do those kicks?”

Jonny replied, “Yes, every time, but I know that fear is part of the process.”

You need to realise that sometimes fear and feeling uncomfortable is part of the process if you’re doing something different, no matter how simple it is, and knowing that can help you proceed from the amber light to the green light; from there, things can be so different.

In some situations as well people may never fully remove their fear to nothing but they know it is part of the process for them and it doesn’t stop them.

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Long ago before I achieved my own success I wanted it so badly but it didn’t seem like it was ever going to happen.

I started to feel both helpless and that the situation was hopeless, which is obviously not a positive mindset to have. Then it hit me, something made me ask myself the following question:

Am I doing all I could be doing?

Then I realised it wasn’t so much that success wasn’t working out for me but I wasn’t really doing all I could be doing to make it happen.

When I was honest with myself I realised it wasn’t that I was doomed because it just wasn’t going to happen, deep down I knew there were some actions I still wasn’t taking or some I wasn’t do enough of.

Since then and having achieved success I have noticed this same thing happening to many of my clients when we start working together.

When we look at the action they need to be taking we find some they are just not doing, some they are doing a little then giving up because they are not getting the results or seeing any results straight away.

A lot of things need frequency and consistency of action before we hit a point where we break through and see the results. It’s like the classic example of a planted seed. A lot goes on below the ground that we cannot see, it is still growing and making progress but we don’t see it. However if we continue to water that planted seed and care for it then one day it breaks through the earth and we see the results of all that action.

What else could you be doing?

What are you currently doing that you should be doing more of?

Or

If you are truly doing all you can and all you should be but still not getting the results then it’s time to ask someone else to help. Is there someone you know that has had the sort of success you are looking for? Why not ask them how they did it and tell them what you are currently doing, maybe they can help with the missing piece…the difference that makes the difference. You could also check out my mentoring page here to see if it looks like I could help you in some way.

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Many people tell me they need more motivation…they often they say this without really understanding what motivation is and how it can be improved.

To them motivation basically means they keep putting things off and never get round to doing certain things.

This week I mentored 26 people on a one to one basis and a number of them mentioned motivation. All of the ones that mentioned motivation were suffering with, what I have found to be, a very common situation. Here are the simple steps I took them through to enable them to motivate themselves so they were far more likely to take the action needed:

The steps to motivation

1. Understand what motivation really is – it’s your motive to take action – in other words your reason to take action (or not take action).
2. Notice how you are currently thinking about what you are motivated to do and change it.

So, how do you do this?

When you think about something you put off – how do you think about it?

Do you think about the process you’ll have to go through and all that is involved and how painful that would be? Or do you think about how good you’ll feel when it is over and done with or completed?

Most people I help in this area are thinking about the pain of taking the action rather than how good they will feel when it’s done and out of the way

I do this myself of course and notice it and change it if I want to. A classic example with me is if on a Sunday when the local car washes are closed I think about washing my car. When I think about it I immediately decide no. Something happens though between thinking about washing the car and deciding not to. It is in that gap I run through in my mind and make a decision.

This decision is arrived at by a thought process that goes something like this:

• I will have to find the bucket and sponges
• I probably didn’t clean the sponge out after last time
• The hose is probably all tangled up
• It will probably start to smear as I dry the car
• I’ll end up getting soaking wet
• My luck it will rain tomorrow

After thinking it through like that and telling myself all of that process in a down and dreary inner voice – yes I decide I will not wash the car!

A better way

If instead I think about washing the car and I start to think about it and how good the car will look when it’s clean, how glad I will be in the morning when I am driving in the car then there is much more likelihood I will wash the car.

Another way

Another way of getting motivated to get on and do something is to focus on something you are looking forward to that is happening after the task is done, sometimes even very simple things can help us to get through something we are not looking forward to.

For instance if I have a difficult or boring task coming up not only will I think how great it will be when it’s done, I will also think about something good that is coming up later, even if it is simply the fact I will be back home, having dinner with the family.

One of the reasons this helps is it tells your mind you do survive this task, life does go on! It also helps because when you get a good feeling thinking about what is happening later, you experience that feeling now and it helps reduce or cancel out the uncomfortable feeling you have in that moment about the task that needs doing.

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Whether you realise it or it is fear on some level that usually holds you back from taking action in an area of your life.

When I go to see clients and I start working with them if it turns out they don’t like making phone calls or they don’t like going to networking events, at the end of the day it’s all about fear and this fear comes up because of how we think about things that causes us to feel in a certain way.

A great question

A great question I always ask myself if I am fearful about a situation or I’ve got a situation I’m uncertain about is:

What must I believe about the situation, myself or people in general in order to feel like this?

I remember long ago when I used to feel very uncomfortable making calls, like sales calls or similar things. I’d ask myself that question—“What must I believe about the situation, myself or people in general in order to feel like this?” and then the answers came up:

Well, perhaps they’ll think I’m pushy.

Perhaps they think I shouldn’t be calling them.

Perhaps they’ll think I’m interrupting.

As soon as I start to get those answers I know what it is that’s making me feel awkward and I can look to rationalize them and get my head around why it isn’t really such a problem to go ahead anyway.

So for example, perhaps they’ll think I’m interrupting them. Well, if they don’t want to be interrupted they shouldn’t answer the phone. Perhaps they should have voicemail. That would be a way I would rationalize that particular aspect in my head.

It’s very important to find out when you have a fear about a certain situation to notice when you think about it what do you imagine happening?

In these fear situations we usually run pictures very quickly in our heads of how we think the scene or situation might play out. We also say things to ourselves or remember things other people once said to us that will cause us to get that fearful feeling. It all happens very quickly and you have to pay attention and be curious and realise what you are doing to yourself in order be fearful in the situation.

So when you think about a situation or activity that you fear what do you imagine happening? Do you see pictures in your mind? If you see pictures do you see yourself in the picture or do you just see the outside world view as if looking around?

When I used to have a fear of making phone calls I’d have this black and white picture in my head pop up which was of the person at their desk with the phone in their hand looking very angry. I didn’t see myself in the picture at all. I just saw them.

If it sounds weird…

If all this sounds quite weird and unusual just start thinking about something you really love to do. If you’re going to go on a holiday how do you think about it? When you’re getting excited about a holiday or Christmas or an event that’s coming up you imagine it in your mind. You make pictures in your mind of it. You say things to yourself about it and you probably talk to yourself in your head in a very upbeat tonality going, “Oh yes, it will be really great when we get on the holiday. I am really looking forward to that. I can’t wait until we get to the hotel, we check in, we relax, we have fun, we go to the beach”—all those sorts of things. Well, you probably think about the things you fear in a very different way and if you start thinking about the things you fear in a different way too and you start changing that inner voice to be a bit more upbeat and a bit more focused and you imagine things going well you could actually start to feel better about it. If you start thinking about all the things that could go right rather than all the things that could go wrong, that too would be a massive step forward.

Stop thinking about it not working out

This was the biggest thing that I was doing wrong when I used to hate speaking in public. I used to be the world’s worst at standing up and speaking anywhere. If I was at an event and somebody said, “Mark, will you stand up and say a few words?” I’d make any excuse to get out of that room quick because all I would see in my head and all I would think about is it all going wrong. I’d see myself panicking, forgetting the words I was going to say, people not being interested. I’d even imagine passing out.

A better way

Once I realized that and I started thinking about how good it could it be if I shared some information with people, if I made them laugh, if I had something that they could make use of and how good I’d feel if I actually got over this and was able to stand up and speak to people, gradually I started to feel better about it and over time I got to the stage like I am now where I love the opportunity to stand up and speak absolutely anywhere and I get disappointed when the my time slot is over.

It’s all about first getting conscious and aware of what’s going on in your head—what are you saying to yourselves and what you are picturing.

A great strategy

A great strategy is to think about how good it will be (and how good you will feel) five minutes after that event is over—what will you be doing five minutes after it’s finished? Will you be relaxing, thinking, “Great, that’s over” Well, that’s fine if that’s the case but thinking about how good it will be five minutes after is an amazing new path or strategy to get through a call, a meeting or something you’re not looking forward to because when we experience fear our mind says to us “There is nothing beyond this” and we don’t think any further but as soon as we think about how good it will be five minutes after the event or the situation it says to our brain “You know, you survived this. We’ll get through this” and it helps you feel a bit better about it.

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A really important attribute that successful people have is expectation of a good outcome.

Expectation controls the way our minds work. It’s easy to hear that successful people have the expectation of a good outcome and just think it is a nice concept and something that isn’t that real and just a bunch of positive thinking. However positive thinking and expectation of a good outcome means that when you go into situations, you appear more confident, your words are different, the phrases you use are different, even the pauses between words are different, and this all has an impact on the other person you are talking to or the activity you are carrying out.

It goes deeper than this though. It actually controls the way your mind encourages you to engage in an activity. It actually motivates you.

Take this everyday example. Let’s say we’ve got two people. They’ve both lost their jobs and are out of work. Everything about these two people is exactly the same. They’ve got the same background. They’ve got the same experience and the same qualifications. There’s actually only one difference between these two people. The first person expects to get a job and believes that there’s a job out there for them. The second person doesn’t believe there are any jobs out in the marketplace and doesn’t believe they will get a job.

So which one of the two people do you think is going through every newspaper, every magazine, looking at job adverts?

Which person do you think is contacting recruitment and job agencies on a daily basis?

Which person do you think is talking to friends, family, and other local businesses about opportunities?

Of course it’s the person that expects to get a job and believes there’s one out there. That person believes there’s a job out there so they’re prepared to put the effort in.

On a subconscious level, normally people who don’t expect to get things don’t put the effort in or take the action needed. Because why would you put a load of effort and action into something if you knew or believed there was no real reward at the end of it?

However, expectation of a good outcome, if you believe that there is a reward at the end of it, so you actually do go and take the action that’s needed you stand much more chance of achieving whatever you’re going for. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So when you go out in the world, whatever it is, a meeting, a job interview, a potential client meeting, anything in life, even playing sports, having an expectation of a good outcome will massively improve your results, especially when backed up with belief.

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